An Essay
Adolfo Lopez, Greater Hudson Promise Neighborhood
I felt loss. I felt frightened, but mostly I was aware of the fact that I was “less than”...[incarceration] relinquished me of any remaining breath...Higher education in prison was my ventilator...I felt the knowledge I was gaining, and it began to pump my lungs.
I was born in Brooklyn, New York in 1992. The son of a Puerto-Rican man deeply entrenched in the gang lifestyle, and a white woman with a myriad of issues. Adverse childhood experiences mounted quickly after birth.
Nevertheless, I stayed out of serious trouble until I was 17. I was always getting into trouble at school and always fighting. However, I was serious about school because it was the only way I could play sports. Sports gave me the purpose I otherwise could not find within myself to succeed in school. And I did. I was routinely placed in Advanced Placement and Honors classes. I kept my grades up so I could wrestle. I knew if I didn’t, there was zero chance my father would drive me to the boxing gym after school. These high contact, combative sports were the only places where I felt any solace. I lost myself in the pain.
As I grew older my father decided to move us out of Brooklyn. He yearned to offer us an upbringing that hadn’t been available to him. While his intentions were true, noble even, it was tough moving to rural Greene County, NY, where I was one of maybe five children of color in the entire school. I struggled a lot and often. This was around the same time my mother was no longer in the picture, and with my father working all the time, I took to the streets to find that sense of family. Shortly after, I was initiated into the Bloods.
My gang activity while I was still in high-school was mostly just hanging out, smoking, drinking and fighting. Everyone knew I was wrestling and an aspiring young boxer, and it was respected. However, that would all change following high-school. Without the incentive of playing sports, I quickly became disinterested in school. With no clear path, direction or guidance I embedded myself further into the gang lifestyle. I began selling guns and committing burglaries and robberies.
This increased illicit activity came to a head in November of 2010. In late October I was shot at by rival gang members. In an act of retaliation (or so I thought), M-Dot (the older man who had brought me into the Bloods) planned a home-invasion robbery against a rival gang member. We knew he had a lot of guns as well as a safe with money in his house, so we quickly went to work planning.
On the night of November 16, 2010. M-Dot, Slice, and I headed to the home. We kicked in the front door. Tied up everyone who was in the home and assaulted the man who was in the rival gang. We loaded up our gray Monte Carlo with the stolen guns and the safe and took off.
On the night of November 18, 2010, I was working my usual shift at Price Chopper when my cell phone began blowing up.
Johnny O: "What did you guys do?"
Caitlin: "Jazzy is being weird, and Dom is going to stab him."
Rachel: "Adolfo, answer me."
I soon learned that my people were in an eight hour standoff with the local SWAT team. They were assumed to be armed and dangerous because the police thought the guns were in the apartment (they weren’t). As soon as I saw this standoff blanketed across the news, I decided to go on the run.
My valiant effort at being a fugitive lasted less than 24 hours. In the early morning I received a text from Slice. He had been my best friend since I was seven years old, so I didn’t think he would rat me out. I answered his text and fell back asleep. I woke up hours later to the detectives knocking on the door to the ranch house I was hiding in. This was November 18, 2010. I would not see the free world again until May 16, 2016.
*****
In the first two years of my incarceration I fought my case and bounced around between adolescent facilities and county jails. I didn’t stay anywhere for long. The media does a good job of painting the narrative of violence surrounding one's transition from freedom into jail. Violence almost becomes expected behavior. I quickly fed into the narrative that I had to be the "biggest, baddest, and the toughest". Violence against others was an everyday occurrence. During the first two years of my incarceration, I was arrested for two additional violent felonies. In many ways, I was the prototypical prisoner, one became increasingly problematic within the carceral system.
This began to change in the Spring of 2012. I was involved with an assault on a correctional officer. I was working the laundry at Downstate Correctional Facility, when the block officer took it upon himself to throw an entire bag of dirty laundry into my face. I immediately started to fight with him for maybe 45 seconds before the entire cellblock was rushed by ten or more officers. After restraining and handcuffing me, the officers beat me for another ten minutes or so while I was cuffed, making sure to mix in a heavy dose of pepper spray. I was soon moved to solitary confinement.
This was not my first time in solitary confinement. But it would be the defining moment behind a shift in my ideology. Solitary confinement is a beast; it’s entirely different from the day-to-day of standard incarceration. When the walls close, it’s difficult not to lose track of your humanity.
Up to this time, my father had been my biggest champion. He was a guy from the streets, too. He knew how these things go. Shortly into this stay in solitary confinement, my father came for his last visit of my incarceration. He looked me in the eyes and told me, "if you keep going down this path, you may come home one day, but you will ultimately die in the streets or die in prison." These were truisms I was familiar with from a young age, however they dawned on me at that moment. Coming from my father, these words meant more than if they had come from any other person.
Upon returning to my cell, I wept like a child. I wept for my upbringing, I wept for my situation, but mostly I wept for my father. He was so determined to save his children from the rigors of the streets, and I did not want him to hold this burden of perceived failure in his life. I would not allow it.
For the remainder of my time in solitary confinement, I read voraciously. Anything I could pick up. I went through religious texts, textbooks, fiction, non-fiction, and any magazine I could find. My entire schedule was built around: reading, working out, sleeping and building elaborate card houses with the playing cards I could procure through the box commissary.
I was released from solitary confinement nearly a year later. I went to Greene Correctional Facility, "Gladiator School" as it was known among inmates for its ruthless reputation for violence. I knew where I was heading, but my eyes were solely on where I wanted to go.
*****
As soon as I moved to Greene, I looked into programming. When I worked in the mess hall, an older inmate told me about a program through Marist College. I immediately signed up. While the program only lasted one semester, it changed my life. I took great pride in going to class. I took even more pride in telling my family and loved ones what I was doing behind bars. This was like nothing they had ever heard from me before. Usually I only called with bad news.
I took four classes that semester and received 12 credits. Yet, before I knew it, the program was gone, and I was left to fend for myself again. College-in-prison programs can be extremely fragile, funding can be compromised, and relationships between a campus and facility can vary. For the years I was involved in the programming there was always a sense that they could end any moment.
I continued my own personal shift, while also attempting to assist others. I began teaching GED classes to help people attain their high school equivalency.
In 2014, it was announced that Hudson Link would be offering higher education once again in Greene Correctional Facility. Hudson Link is a non-for profit organization administered by formerly incarcerated college students aimed at providing college degree programs inside New York State prisons. Seventy percent of their staff is formerly incarcerated. Their programming is holistic, providing resources during and after incarceration to mitigate the effects of a prison experience. I seized the moment. Until my release in 2016, I took every class I could.
I devoured economics. I took every class offered by Dr. Shirey, and I excelled. It was a strange thing. I had always been interested in math, yet never dove into economics. I poured through every book of literature provided to us over and over again. It gave me another perspective on the life I was living and would have to live if I wanted to exist within a capitalist society after my return from prison.
Professor Victorio Reyes taught our poetry classes, and I was extremely thankful for these. From the time I was a kid, I had always written poetry. However, he helped me learn the nuance of different forms and the methods of writing poetry. I used my poetry to confront my emotions, and Professor Reyes’ classes helped me to breathe new life into much of the poetry I had already written and would write in the future.
Some of my fondest memories come from Professor’s Lamar’s classes. We devoured all sorts of literature, wrote our own, and even acted out scenes of plays. I have always been passionate and proud of my writing, and these classes gave me an opportunity to hone my craft.
In Greene, college students were moved to a dormitory of mostly inmates in the college program. In theory, this made sense. If we all lived in the same dorm, we could all focus and study. That actually did occur, and it was a beautiful thing to see everyone joined on a similar journey of higher learning. However, it also opened us up to harassment and discrimination from the officers.
I understood the jealousy from the C.O.’s. Many of them had not attended college or were footing hefty bills to send their children to college. Yet, here were people whom they hated who were attending college for free. For every meal, we were always called last, when the food was running low. We were always released last to the Rec Yard, when the Yard and Gym capacities had already been met. Spiteful officers made us wait on the walkway for hours in the freezing cold, in the dead of winter, meticulously going through all of our books, and binders. Yet, we bore the brunt.
I am forever grateful for bearing that brunt. One of the last classes I took while I was in prison completely changed my life. I was lucky enough to be enrolled into an Introduction to Social Work class that ended only 10 days before my release. The professor was Joan Hunt. Over the course of this class, I worked my ass off. This class was different for me. I enjoyed learning about the systems that surround everyday life when you come from poor socio-economic backgrounds, the systems that affect people like myself on a daily basis.
I put my heart and soul into every paper I wrote. Professor Hunt recognized that I had a voice and a mind, that if I could learn how to harness them I could potentially make great changes in these systems. This was one of the first times in my life when someone believed in my capacity to change. When the class ended, Professor Hunt said I could come to her offices one day and work with her, as I was from the area where her organization was based.
I was released in May of 2016. Six months later I began volunteering at Professor Hunt’s organization, The Greater Hudson Promise Neighborhood, Inc (GHPN) as an AmeriCorps volunteer. The stipend was horrible, but I kept reminding myself how much Professor Hunt believed in me. It pushed me forward. I worked 40 hours a week at GHPN, bartended at nights, and took a full course load on the UAlbany campus. Over my three years volunteering with Professor Hunt, she taught and mentored me.
In the Spring of 2019, I graduated from UAlbany with my BA in Journalism. Professor Hunt designed my graduation cap, and it was adorned with clippings from the many, many essays I wrote for her class. By the Fall, Professor Hunt offered me the job of assistant director at the Greater Hudson Promise Neighborhood, the same position where I work today. This work fills me with pride and joy. However, I know that this would have never been a possibility if I had not taken college courses while in prison.
*****
What is "Life Giving"? When people are born, the first breath we take fills our lungs only to be exhaled from the brunt of a slap on the bottom. In this instant, we are given life. We are given a check of approval that this thing, this newborn, is a living, breathing human being. There are no arguments or thoughts to the contrary. However, throughout life, people are impacted by systems, beliefs, legislation, and interactions that often make them feel "less than" human. This systematic categorization of "the other" is a real, tangible thing that pushes people into holes that without the proper tools, they can never escape.
I was born into a few of these dehumanizing factors. Being of Latino descent, I was aware that I was "less than" from a young age. Layer that with being from a poor socioeconomic background and these feelings of being "less than" were a consistent, compounding factor throughout my whole life.
Incarceration was not only difficult, it exacerbated every other dehumanizing factor I was born with. Since I was born, it has become increasingly unacceptable to overtly discriminate against people like me due to race and socioeconomic status. However, incarceration and a felony record have given the public other, widely acceptable grounds for discrimination. I knew this from the second I was incarcerated. People on the outside reminded me how hard it would be to find employment when I was released. Hell, people I LOVED at the time used my incarceration to dehumanize me. Add that to the pervasive oppression by corrections officers and staff within the prison industrial complex, and I could literally feel this weight on my shoulders every waking moment.
Higher education in prison was my ventilator. I didn’t recognize it at first. At first, I was going through the academic motions. I was trying to better myself, but I had not fully begun to grasp what higher education could mean for me and my life post-incarceration. It began to click the more I committed myself to the material. I remember devouring every economics book I could get my hands on. The "Economics of Crime" by Harold Winter opened up my eyes to a lot. I remember pouring my heart and soul into works of fiction, thesis papers, and essays because I FELT them. I felt the knowledge I was gaining, and it began to pump my lungs.
When I think of it now, higher education did much more than just educate me. It opened my eyes to the world around me.